The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
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Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…