Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
anyone else like Italian cereal
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*