Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
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Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
i- i did not expect this
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.