Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.