The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.