SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.