Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
🤣🤣🤣
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.