Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
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3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
the clam before the storm
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?