If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
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Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.