I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
You Might Also Like
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle