It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.