If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
describing stardew valley
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.