When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
work smarter, not harder
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.