Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
If looks could kill
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.