*has no idea what a book even is*
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Story of my life…..
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.