*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no