[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.