I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.