Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan