Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
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Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them