I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
🙄😏😂🤣
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
🤣😂🤣
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“What movie?” 🤔
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time