wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
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Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”