I’m so full I could puke a horse
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I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Sharon I have some bad news
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
You can’t rush stupid.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.