Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.