What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
You Might Also Like
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*