My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.