[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.