[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”