If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
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Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?