He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
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I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Not my job 😂
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch