[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I never needed anything more in my life
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.