If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
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Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Left at a local drug store…
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels