i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
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inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
My inexpensive home security system…
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp