American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You Might Also Like
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.