God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm