Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.