“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Cannot stop laughing at this
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.