supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.