I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Pass gas, not judgment.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
🤭😂
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.