This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
#DesignFail
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*