i choose….tongue
You Might Also Like
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.