I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
…żyje?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*