LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.