Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
The old gods are rising again.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.