Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.