Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
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Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese