me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
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Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
huge if true: the moon
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I mean…but I did
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Salad is the decaf of food.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore