Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Saturday
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person