WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
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“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I would move hell over six inches for you
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
🙋♀️
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
any last words?
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.