Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this